Ash vs Special Snowflakes
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: It's probably not what you think. Inspired by the sticky, gooey dreck stuck to the bottom of facebook and twitter. And hey, SJW's aren't the only people who suck.


Ash vs. Special Snowflakes, by Dickfart

It was a very special evening for the Delphox News Network (Phox News for short) based in the heart of Unova. Why they named their network after a semi-rare Pokemon native to the Kalos region is anyone's guess, and Poke Rights Activists protest outside of their studio on a daily basis to defend the good name of the noble Delphox. They would instead have Phox News changed to Phoax News for all the stank shit they peddled out for ratings these days.

Tonight's episode would feature a legend in the Pokemon world, the trainer Ash Ketchum, and all of the staff were raring to go after much powder, hair extensions, and breast enhancers were applied.

"Welcome to Fair and Objective Pokefacts," said Tara Balin, with long blond hair, blue eyes, and large fake boobs. "I am your host, Tara Balin. Co-anchor Felix Felixie has the night off due to congestive heart failure. Apparently he ate forty Castelia Cones a day for the past 30-some odd years, but that's his business and no one should judge him for it.

"Tonight we will have a very special interview with worls renowned Pokemon trainer and seven time Pokemon League loser, Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town. Welcome, Ash."

"Thank you, Tara. It's exciting to be here," said Ash on a projector. He was actually thirteen hundred miles away in Alola, working on his tan.

"Why don't we get right to it?" said Tara. "Fans who have been following your adventure are dying to know, why should you keep receiving participation trophies?"

"Huh?" said Ash.

"Let me put it this way. Why should tax dollars fund your Pokemon adventure if it just keeps ending in failure?"

"What are you talking about?" said Ash. "I succeed all the time. I train my partners to their fullest potential. My Pokemon and I help law enforcement by keeping Team Rocket at bay and many trainers have found their paths to success through t-"

"Yes, but you've failed multiple times to win at a Pokemon League," Tara interrupted. "If you can't win, then you're telling other trainers that they shouldn't even bother trying. They'll just abuse healthcare from Pokemon Centers, driving up insurance premiums for upper middle class workers around the Pokemon world, and it has voters in a frenzy. Why should Unovan tax payers continue to fund Pokemon Centers for the likes of you?"

"Pokemon need treatment," said Ash. "They get hurt."

"Then maybe they shouldn't battle," said Tara.

"But they love to battle," said Ash. "And think of all the things they do for us! They fight fires and crime, build houses, protect people, and work tireless hours at Pokemon Centers and hospitals with no compensation whatsoever. We're basically benefiting from slave labor, but you have the nerve to tell me that MY adventure is hurting Unovan tax payers? Especially when I'm not even IN Unova right now? How many taxes has your shitty president Ghetsis Harmonia Trump paid in the-"

"That's irrelevant, Ash. Stay on topic," Tara interrupted again.

"Stop interrupting me!" Ash yelled. "You asked a stupid question and you know it!"

"Spoken like a true entitled liberal," said Tara, stone-faced. "Next question. Is it true that you've turned down romantic companionship from all the nice young girls you've traveled with because you're having a clandestine homosexual relationship with Professor Oak's grandson?"

"NO!" Ash screamed. "I turned them down because I'm TEN!"

"I don't see how being ten should affect that one way or another. As our president wisely stated: "grab her by the pussy!" and the fact that you have not suggests to Phox News that you are, in fact, gay."

"Whatever," said Ash. "Who cares? Seriously, why is that something anyone even gives any fucking thought to? My passion is Pokemon! Let's stick to that."

"Lucky for you, the next question is Pokemon-related. Have you, or have you not, had sexual relations with that Pikachu?"

"Pika!" Pikachu screeched, and charged its thunder. Ash urged it to calm down, since Fux News was over a thousand miles away. He got electrocuted anyway.

"Are all Republicans pedophiles?" Ash asked, coughing out a cloud of smoke.

"I'm the one asking questions around here," said Tara, flipping through her cards with no regard for Ash or his special snowflake feelings. "Next question. What is your opinion on Islam?"

"What kind of Pokemon is that?"

"Never mind. You're liberal, so you wouldn't get it. Next question. Should transgender people be able to use whatever bathroom that they want?"

"I always just go to the bathroom outside," said Ash.

"You misunderstand. Again. Perhaps you should have gone to school instead of training Pokemon."

"Well, my mom says that Republicans dismantled the public school system entirely about ten years before I was born, so I haven't got any formal book learning, aside from that one year in Alola, where I mostly did the hokey pokey. Pokemon training is all I have really."

"Then let me explain," Tara said. "Transgender people insist that they are the opposite gender to which they were born. For example, a man claims he is a woman, and wants to use that as an excuse to go into women's bathrooms to rape women."

"No, I'm pretty sure people just go into bathrooms to pee," said Ash. "I've peed outside next to girls lots of times. I never felt the need to rape them. Heck, I don't even know what rape is, but I've heard that President Trump's done that rape thing to a few thirteen year old girls..."

"That's just lies that liberals tell!" said Tara, who was visibly angry for the first time since the start of the interview. "And what do you know about Unovan politics anyway? You're from Kanto!"

"Politics? Is that what this is?" Ash asked. "No wonder I'm getting bored."

"So you support so called "females" with penises going into bathrooms and raping women then?"

"Whatever," said Ash. "Can we move on to a question about Pokemon now?"

"That's all the time we have for you today, Ash," said Tara, cutting him off and blacking out his screen. "Well, you heard it here loud and clear, folks. Trainer, Ash Ketchum, is in favor of squandering tax dollars for his own pleasure, is guilty of having sexual relations with men and male pokemon, supports ISIS, and doesn't care if women are raped by scummy predators pretending to be females. This is Fair and Objective Pokefacts and I am Tara Balin, signing off."

Not twenty minutes after that inflammatory broadcast did a Charizard and a Greninja team up, burn down the Delphox News Network building, and slit Tara Balin's throat. Since Ash let both of them go, no one could confirm that those were his Pokemon, so law enforcement gave up on the investigation and everyone went about their day, getting their news from Braixen Broadcasting Communications instead, that one actually set in Kalos, so the name choice actually made sense. Everyone was smarter and happier for it, except for The Gheycheese, whose son N abducted him and made him pick up Patrat turds with his teeth for the rest of his life.

The End


End file.
